Sunshine turned eight years old in February. I say this only for age context. She and I have been reading the Scholomance Trilogy by Naomi Novik together. By this, I mean I have read the entire trilogy and have been reading the books aloud to Sunshine. I figured the books would be something she would be interested in after I absolutely devoured the first book in a day.
Up to this point in life, Sunshine has known that babies grow inside the parent’s belly (well uterus, we did actually talk about the organ where the baby grows). She also knew that there is this thing called “sex” that leads to the creation of the baby. This is, however, all she really knew.
In the second book of the Scholomance Trilogy, The Last Graduate, there is a sex scene toward the very end of the story. My spouse and I spent some time discussing together whether or not I should go ahead and read that part to her or to gloss over it. We eventually decided that we may as well read it to her, but it also meant that we needed to have “the talk.”
I didn’t expect to be as nervous about the conversation as I was. As I do, I sort of mapped out what I wanted to say, and then in the moment, all that information went straight out the window (as it does). But that was okay, we had a good time.
It’s just not in me to take this stuff too seriously, especially while we were reading a book with an incredibly sarcastic narrator. After the actual basic physical explanation, Sunshine looked a little awkward, and I said, “it sounds pretty weird, right? I remember when I first learned about it, I thought it was weird and a little gross.”
She agreed, and then she started giggling. We went on to discuss in generalities how sex is the process by which our DNA combines to make a baby and how babies are then birthed through the organs. Seemingly out of nowhere, she broke out into near-hysterical laughter.
Sunshine’s laughter is infectious. Not even knowing at first what was making her laugh, my spouse and I started laughing along with her. And then, when she caught her breath a bit, she said, “I don’t know why, but I just had this image of trying to push a baby out of a nostril!”
We all lost it then. She was already laughing, and we were laughing, and then we all laughed so hard that tears formed. Sunshine couldn’t even sit still. She had to jump up and laugh while bouncing around the kitchen.
When she got herself under control, she told us she’d had some trouble breathing while she was laughing, which made us all laugh some more.
These conversations don’t have to be awkward – or rather they don’t have to stay awkward. Kids are great at turning an awkward moment into a funny moment. Even as we moved on to discuss the important pieces of “this isn’t something you – at eight years old – should be engaging in,” and “please make sure you talk to me when you feel as though you’re interested in this,” the tone remained light.
We were even able to chuckle as I mentioned being safe and brought it back to the book where “safe sex” wasn’t really reasonable in the context of the story we were reading (if you’ve read anything in the Scholomance, you get it).
We wanted her to hear all of this from us, in context where it is relevant to her. For our family, the appropriate context was this book trilogy, with our Sunshine at the age she is now. It also sets up the next conversation we will have when we get to the point in the final book in the trilogy, The Golden Enclaves, when sex comes back in a different way.
Sunshine is going to learn more about sex from media and friends. We cannot prevent this. All we can do is engage with her as well, and preferably before she learns it elsewhere. We won’t know for many years whether this conversation “worked” so to speak, whether it prepared her for the messages she will get as she grows up, but we’ve done what we can, in the time we have.
Parental Note: the Scholomance Trilogy is an adult, dark fantasy series. While the characters involved are teenagers, it isn’t shelved in YA, and certainly isn’t Middle Grade or chapter books. While we made the decision as a family that Sunshine would enjoy this series, it isn’t something I would want her reading on her own. We felt our Sunshine was ready for this, and it has involved quite a bit of pausing and checking in with her as we go. Each family should decide for themselves whether any media is appropriate for their family and children.
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